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My death bed confession is going to be epic!
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
Such a satisfying feeling when “the one that got away” turns into “dodged that bullet”
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
Good Morning: You, my friends are the reason I wake up every morning ? LOL JK, I have to pee.
Home is where a man hangs his hat. Unless that man is wearing a sun visor. Then he probably dosent have a home or friends..
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
A procrastinator’s work is never done.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation