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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
You see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge. ;)
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…