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Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won´t spoil me.
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
Why aren`t they called A$$teroids instead of hemorrhoids???
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.