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I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
yes I have a dirty mind, and yes you are in it...
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"