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Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.