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I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
I hate it when I mentally undress a woman and my OCD kicks in and I start folding her clothes.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
I love Alfredo sauce ... Unless you`re a dude named Alfredo.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
Whoever said paper beats rock is an idiot. Next time that happens, I`m gonna throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper.