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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
"No comment" - said no woman, ever
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
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I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.