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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
When you upload photos to Fb, i`d appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends ... It makes stalking them MUCH easier, thank you!
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
Dear Stomach: You`re bored, not hungry. Shut up.
Yes, I streaked once on a dare ... all the rest of the times though were just for fun
I met a guy exactly like my father so I brought him home and my mom shot him.
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.