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Hey I just met you... And this is Crazy... But this is a nice restaurant... So, Silence your baby!
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
If I had a time machine I`d set it to "back in the day", just to see what everyone is talking about.
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
I dance like people wish they weren`t watching.
This year for Lent I`m giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.