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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas...
So can we just skip to summer now?
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I did break a sweat.
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
Kinda hard to believe not a single mutant at professor Xavier’s school had the power to heal a dude’s legs.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.