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Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. And the good news is, that`s pretty much everything.