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I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
Every year new words are added onto the dictionary, yet no new positions are added to the karma sutra.
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
Why do sandwiches taste so much better when they are cut diagonally?
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
My life is loosely based on a true story.
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did