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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
The only dates I get are updates.
The only reason they make yellow starbursts is for when someone asks you if they can have one of your starbursts.
I grew up for this?
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
I hope when I die, it`s early in the morning so I don`t go to work that day for no reason.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
First Ebola case in USA , and the Walking Dead starts next week... brb gonna go buy a crossbow.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!