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I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
No way the guy from Operation is insured for any of those ridiculous medical procedures.
That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
Being normal is boring.
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.