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Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
Never trust anyone who says “Im not supposed to tell anyone but”
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
To-Do List : Nothing[?]
Porn & love songs. Destroying reality forever.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.