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My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
My friend told me he wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don`t think he`d be a good secret agent.
why me is me ?
Seems like 2013 was just yesterday.
My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
There I was, watching a advertisement when a YouTube video rudely interrupts it...
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.