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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Yeah I`m married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT`S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Relatives comin` ~ hide all awesome stuff!
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
Whoever named anteaters, solid effort right there.