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“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
I’m working on my resume. Should I use the term “mad skillz” or would “mad skills” be more formal?
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
I used to like my neighbors until they changed the password to their wi-fi :)
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.