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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
I`m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
To save time, lets just assume I am never wrong ;)
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list