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Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
I`ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this status is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
My wife is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn`t even know she sold jewelry.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "THERES ONE." -same guy, you`re british.
In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says "what the hell is that" when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE!
Give a man a fish & he`ll be all "WTF are you giving me a fish for? That`s weird" Teach a man to fish & he`ll be all "Again with the fish?"