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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don`t make a right. Tomorrow I`m going to try three.
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
I`m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I`ll run them under cold water for half a second
Sometimes I order fajitas at a restaurant just to get more attention.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
Helpful tip #12: Never buy all the tools you need to kidnap, kill and bury someone from just one store.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
Pee your name in the snow and you`ll quickly understand why they should teach cursive in our schools.