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Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
The only thing worse than dramatic girls facebook statuses…dramatic guys Facebook statuses.
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!