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Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
Don`t sell yourself short, in fact, don`t sell yourself at all. I`m pretty sure it`s illegal