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People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
Some people are more confused then a chameleon in a packet of Skittles.
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
I didn`t fall. The floor just needed a hug.
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals, We would be planting so many trees. And we`d probably save the planet too! Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath :/
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."