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It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
What does lolz mean...Laugh out loud zebras?
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.