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SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
The expiration date on my credit card is 4/20 and it always gets a good laugh when Im ordering pizza for delivery.
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
Home is where the pants aren`t.
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
This "NORMAL" you speak of, doesn`t sound fun at all.
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.