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Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
I`m tough and can take whatever life throws at me ... Especially if its dipped in chocolate first.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
Thats it! I want to be re-inserted and I don`t want to remember a darn thing!
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
Iām moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
I`m convinced girls only want one thing from guys... all of our hoodies. -Bfanch
The only benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don`t have to do laundry for another week or two.
Sometimes when Iām feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.