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In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
The good thing about "poking" on Facebook, no babies are created.
Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...
The problem with diets is pizza.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I think I`m funny - but looks aren`t everything
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.
Living alone is pretty cool, I don`t even know if my bathroom door closes