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A lot of people are very competitive when playing stupid.
Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
How long does it take to get obsessed?