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I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....
I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.