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Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
I love sleep ... it’s like a Time Machine to Breakfast.
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
I see you’re playing stupid. Looks like you’re winning too.
I`m not opposed to manscaping, but I don`t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.
To all the girls who think all guys are the same: Who told you to try them all? Whore.