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Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
You never really know how many inches you`re gonna get or how long it`ll last. Snow, maybe.
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
Sometimes, the light at the end of the tunnel is just a lost guy with a flashlight.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
I`m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”