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Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!
Actually, The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is ... Just open the door and push her out.
Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
If you have no regrets in life, you clearly have never gone out with me.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
Though we made many advancements in society, sadly, pimpin’ STILL isn’t easy.
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
I want to meet the guy at Hewlett Packard who decides how many minutes of strange noises their printers make before printing 1 page.
I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I`m bored.
Some people walk into your life and leave footprints on your heart. Some people walk into life and make you want to leave footprints on their face
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep