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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.
Is it true that the older you get the crazier you become? Or is that just me?
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.