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I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I`m thinking taco cart...
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
thinks we should all jump out of our chairs and do the 5 second happy dance! READY! GO!
People think I`m a hugger, but I`m actually shaking them down for snacks.