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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to grow up, I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
It`s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
I fell asleep at the wheel smh, time to turn Mario Kart off and go to bed.
Love your neighbor, but don`t get caught...
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside