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You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
I want to grow my own food but no one makes pizza seeds.
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
Spontaneity is great ... as long as I have a plan.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.