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I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
If a bra is called an `over the shoulder bolder holder`, then what would you call men underwear? Under the butt nut hut
If pigs could fly.. Would I be able to get high on bacon?
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
"They are more afraid of you than you are of them." -people who know even less about me than they do about bears
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
Hell hath no fury like a hungry me.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
I hate it when I open my fridge and get punched by a bear... =/
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.