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The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she’s made some serious mistakes in her past…
I love it when the person’s laugh is funnier than the actual joke.
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I`m still looking for ideas.
I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec