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I don`t wanna make this weird but that`s just kinda how I do things.
Sometimes all you need is $100,000
Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
I don`t know why people say "your guess is as good as mine"? ..because my guesses are always better. ;)
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Put your gossiping skills to the test, go write a novel...
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.