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Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
I smoked weed once and realized spoons are just little bowls on sticks
I`ll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted.
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
If I pat you on the back, there`s a 99% chance that I`m only using you as a napkin
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
Think big, Think smart, Think positive, Think beautiful, Think great,I know this is too much for u,so here is a shortcut-Just think about me
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
Do me a favor if someone tells you they don`t like me , tell them I don`t like them either.