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I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.
I wish I could veto MY bills.
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn`t even lift him.
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
Everyone loved Jack-in-the-box as kids. Now I`m older, I like mine in the bottle
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.