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You know you`ve won the argument when the other person responds with "Whatever..."
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I love it when I Google something I should know the answer to and find out 308 people are just as dumb as I am.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.
This "NORMAL" you speak of, doesn`t sound fun at all.
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
The only thing alcohol can`t cure is alcoholism.
Tip of the day: Don`t piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.