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Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Bring a CD into my car that I "have to hear" and I`ll figure out a way to deploy the passenger side airbags
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
I do this thing called "Whatever The F*ck I Want".
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
You would think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?