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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Few things are creepier than someone saying "I know" after you introduce yourself.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
There`s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
As long as there is an open textbook in front of you, nobody will question what you are doing on your laptop.
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
Whoever snuck the s in “fast food” is a clever person.
If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
When I "rage against the machine" the machine is usually a printer.