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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls
I got up at 7:00 this morning .. lather rinse repeat ... How long do you have to do this for?
Roughly 82% of my day is trying to decide what my next meal will be
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.