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That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
It`s not cellulite, it`s my body`s way of saying "I`m sexy" ... in braille.
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
hates when I´m singing along with the radio and the artist messes up the words!
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.