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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
I’m alone in my car. Counting it as a vacation.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.