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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout.
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
Nothing says "I`ve already given up on this day" quite like a Taco Bell breakfast.
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?