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Your clothes are making me uncomfortable, please take them off.
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
You know it’s cold outside when you go outside and it’s cold.
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.