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Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
You look over-medicated. What`s your doctor`s name?
Wanna screw with your idiot friends on Facebook? Post that Obama passed a law to stay in office a third term this morning. Praise Jesus.
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
In space they just call it "Jam"
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
Orion`s Belt is a huge waist of space.
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
I can tell by your boobs that you`ve never seen a bar tab.
Have you ever wondered if Dora is smuggling drugs in her backpack?