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If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he`s attempting to get his hoodie back. He`s in for one hell of a life lesson.
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
If "Cops" has taught me anything it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they`re nothing but trouble...
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?