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I get in this weird mood where I don`t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood `Awake`
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.