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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
My train of thought is loco, no motive.
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
Being alive is so expensive.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"