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In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
Boy it`s nice out today... or at least that`s what it says on my computer.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
My Ex texted me."please delete my number."I replied,"Who`s this??"
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Tomorrow I`m going to start using big words to sound smart....Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
That weirdo that comes into bars and tries to sell roses would make a lot more money if he sold tacos.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."