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I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.
I watch so many crime shows on Tv, that when I turn off the Tv set, I wipe my fingerprints 0ff the remote.
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
Haters gunna hate,potatoes gunna patate!!
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
If I can`t convince you, I will sure as hell confuse you.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...