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Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
What a lovely winter we`re having this spring.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous. Any suggestions?
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it`s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.